Forsaken

Forsaken - Contributed by Jane Rager

While Jesus was on the cross, he cried out,

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” 

(Matthew 27:46).

Feeling forsaken is to feel completely abandoned, left alone, and deserted by those you relied on, often causing a deep sense of despair, loneliness, and betrayal, as if someone has withdrawn their support or love when you needed it most, leaving you with a heavy feeling of being utterly alone and without hope; it's like being left behind in a moment of crisis with no one to turn to. 

In all the suffering and despair that Jesus felt on the cross, surely being forsaken by his Heavenly Father had to be the worst. Yet he endured this to save us.  In my life I have been blessed to never have felt forsaken but I have known people who were.  I would like to share the story of one of them.

When I began in prison ministry, I felt that one of the things I would be doing was advocating getting the inmates released.  Much to my surprise, that never was an issue.  The problem was that they were being released much too early. Justice to the women in the county correctional system is not only a blessing; it frequently saves their lives—literally.  A good example is an inmate named Edwina.

Edwina was a middle-aged African American woman with grown children, an elderly mother, brothers and sisters and a large extended family.  The problem was that they had all washed their hands of her after Edwina’s numerous scrapes with the law, her drug abuse, and her frequent disappearing from the family to live on the street and support her habit.  They had supported her, bailed her out, and paid attorney’s fees way to often, only to have her break her promises and return to the drug community and start the cycle all over again.  This time even her beloved mother would have nothing to do with her.  She was on her own. She was forsaken.

Now Edwina was not a lovable character, at least at first.  The rough life style she chose had left its mark.  She only had a few teeth left and those that she had were stained a dark brown, were crooked and chipped.  Her face bore scars from falling while drugged and from a more that a few fights on the street. Her hair was wild and unkempt on a good day. She was the sort of person you would probably want to cross the street to avoid passing on the sidewalk.

So Edwina found herself alone, in jail, with nothing.  And she was mad as - - - -, well let’s just say that she was very angry about her situation. But she did remember that in her youth she went to church and when she did she felt better. So she began going to the Bible classes and religious services offered at the jail.  That’s how Edwina came to attend my Disciple  class.  At the end of each class we would take prayer requests and Edwina’s requests were always the same, at least at first. First of all she wanted money for the commissary.  The commissary is a very big deal at the jail.  The basics are provided but if you wanted snacks, special toiletries (such as shampoo and deodorant), writing paper, stamps, you had to have money in your commissary account and Edwina had none and no hopes of getting any.  Her second request was simple—she wanted out of there—NOW.  And so time passed but Edwina began to change.

One of the first things that happened was that Edwina began to observe the other women and to notice that they had their problems too.  She was especially drawn to the younger women who were coming into the jail for the first time.  She found that they were very frightened and that they responded to her if she tried to comfort them.  The other thing that happened was that after many weeks, her beloved mother began to write to her and, miracle of miracles, began to send her money orders for her commissary account. Now Edwina knew that this was a real sacrifice for her mother, as the elderly woman was on a very fixed income.  So now Edwina had a dilemma.  This newly found money was too precious to squander on herself. She put the money order in her Bible and carried it around with her for weeks, not knowing what to do with it. 

Edwina had become content with her situation.  The soap, toothbrush and tooth paste issued to the inmates did their job and she didn’t really need any other personal products.  After all she could shower and brush her teeth as often as she liked—a real change from her street life days.   And she was getting three square meals a day, much more food that she had had in years so there was no need for snacks.  So she held onto the money order and prayed over what God would have her do with it.  One day, when being transported back to the jail after a court date, she was in the jail van with a very young woman, who was terrified.  Edwina did her best to comfort her and then realized that the jail transportation delivered the inmates at a time when they frequently missed their meals.  The girl was starving.  Edwina had an idea and quickly put it into action.   When they returned, she put in a commissary order for as many snack foods, Twinkies, chips, popcorn, candy bars etc.,  as she could afford and when the order was delivered, she filled up her locker not taking one bite herself—she was ready!

From that time on, when the new girls arrived on the unit, she would introduce herself and tell them not to worry and would explain the routine to them.  Imagine their relief when the scariest looking inmate on the unit turned out to be friendly!  Then she would ask if they were hungry, and of course they always were.  She would take them to her locker and let them pick whatever they liked and as she fed their bodies, she would begin feeding their souls by asking. “Do you know about Jesus?”  If they were interested she continued to witness to them and bring them with her to the Bible studies.  If they weren’t, she just let them snack and would be as kind as she could, praying for them all the while.  You might say that Edwina had a “Twinkie Ministry” going on right in her own locker.

Edwina also quit asking us to pray for her release.  She asked that we pray for the judge to have wisdom in dealing with her and when her final court date arrived, the judge sentence her to 18 months including time already served.  This was the maximum she could get and remain in the county system and so she wouldn’t be transferred to the state penitentiary.   What a blessing for Edwina!  She knew that this was exactly where God wanted her to be.  She loved witnessing to the other women. She completed the Chaplains study and received the coveted study Bible from them.  She came to our Disciple  classes, even when we completed the book and began over.  Edwina was truly a blessing to the inmates, the staff, the chaplains and the volunteers. She was no longer forsaken.

One of the last things Edwina did before she was released was to write a poem for me.   It reads:

“If I can help somebody as I pass along,

  If I can show somebody they are traveling wrong,

  Then my living shall not be in vain.

  Remember me.”

                             Edwina

And I do remember her often but especially every time I see a Twinkie!